i am currently..

relieved!

well, the first three weeks of may saw me in a distressed state. having
encountered some letdowns at the end of april, i was barely able to
endure the gruelling process of essay writing plus the pressure from my
supervisor to work on my dissertation proposal and presentation. i may
sound like a crybaby but i’m not one of those lucky people who are just
blessed with the ability to be multi-tasking and excel in every single
thing they do. apparently, i am a part of the larger crowd – those who
just have to strive to make it to the top. not even to the very top –
but at least high enough to be considered as able to finish what they
started. and i have to be content with it. ha! ha!

now that’s why i feel so ecstatic to have passed those difficult times.
i still haven’t got the result of my essay and i still have one more
essay to do but i’m feeling a lot lighter at the moment. i think the
presentation actually did me some good as to my surprise, it went
very well!

to tell you the truth, i was a complete wreck the day before the
presentation. i woke up in the morning feeling like a bag of nerves. i
couldn’t control my heartbeat. i was none other than stress on feet!

when i found out that quite a lot of people – lecturers and phd
students –  showed up, i was devastated. i was praying all along
that nobody would give me complex questions.

since my turn was right after the coffee break, i didn’t have the
luxury to actually enjoy that break. i was counting the minutes and
when i saw people started to fill the room again, i felt like all the
horror i’ve studied so far came back and materialized itself in the
form of those walking, chatting human beings with cups of coffee in
their hands. [i can even feel my heart beating faster as i write this!]

before i knew it, i was already there sitting before them. it was an
out-of-body experience, really. i couldn’t recall much of it despite
the thumping thumping in my chest and the tumult in my head. and all
those stuff about jelangkung and tusuk
jelangkung just glided off my mouth. and, oh, i remembered i
nearly cried at one point. and i also felt my mouth became very dry.

ian, my classmate, and tina told me afterward that i actually looked
confident and after i finished reading my paper, my composure was like:
“c’mon give me those goddamn questions right away!” i just doubled up
and laughed – i guess, my unbelievable nervousness infused into me some
attitude that i wouldn’t normally have!

at the end of the presentation, one of the lecturers came up to me and
expressed her interest in my topic. she even wanted me to send her a
copy of my dissertation later! at the end-of-semester drinks at a
nearby pub, my head of department – whose essay on nationalism was
closely linked to my dissertation – told me that he approved the topic. he was
actually one of the main reasons why i was dead nervous about the whole
thing. and having him to show some support was like.. wow!

my supervisor was undoubtedly the happiest man that day. he told me he
received some nice comments from his colleagues. he congratulated me
and told me to have a wee rest before we meet again.. NEXT WEEK!
hahah.. i suspected that he is more in to this than i am…

that evening, my friends and i lingered at the pub until very late. all
our lecturers had left but we were still glued onto our chairs and
drank away. somebody kept putting pints after pints in front of me,
without me even realizing it. then as it was getting darker, tina came
back from the bar with shots of sambuca. whoa, everybody seemed to be
really in the mood to celebrate!

well, i hope i don’t sound like a self-centered bitch. if i do, i’m
sorry. it’s just that i’m so happy things are getting clearer now – i’m
only this close to completing my studies and i feel somewhat recharged
now.

*a big grin on my face*