we used to look outside
commenting on the many lives passing by our window at the corner
thinking we should at least have a bit of fun while we waste ours
though only secretly
and in our big little heads we wanted to believe
take pride even
in having total control of the process
we thought this wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t let it
and so we told stories
none of them ours
held on to the neverending,
hopefully like the night,
glasses of cheers
laughed sinister laughs
pleasant to our heartless ears
we had the suspicion this could actually be
prayed hard for it,
then washed it down with
they brought tears to our hopeless eyes
then one night we held hands under the table
another we tried to look more drunk than we really were
(after you kissed me in the rest room)
and now we are looking in
at the dusts sitting in our chairs
(what would we say about us?)
and we walk
you stood glossed in front of me.
like an antique.
and everything else just stopped.
like almost dead.
you stood blurred in front of me.
like a shadow.
like a demon.
and the rest just faded away.
like a small feather.
like almost gone.
21 january 2001
“bagaimana sembuh dari asmara, kecuali dengan perang?” (centhini – kekasih yang tersembunyi, hal. 31)
i was a vampire, running away from my flock for reasons i now can’t remember. i flew and flew above the city’s streets and highways, alarming people along the way. the strange thing was, they frightened me too and i didn’t think i wanted even a drop of their blood. i attempted to fly higher but failed. i wasn’t sure whether it was because of the wind or vampires were never built to fly above a certain altitude.
not long after, i was flying above a small avenue. i tried to hide in a tree but i always slipped and made myself exposed to the passersby below. to protect myself, i put on a threatening face and i could see as well as feel the fear in their faces, even under the helmets of motorcyclists.
while i was struggling with the stupid tree, i saw a military truck drove by on my side of the street. sitting on the back was a handsome officer who could pass for a movie star and he smiled at me. i was so amazed – there was this human being who wasn’t scared of me and i wasn’t scared of him either. i felt almost in love.
i don’t remember what happened next. all i know i was in my room, tears on my face, holding on to the door to defend it from the attack of my fellow vampires. i was losing for its bolts had been disengaged and i could see archaic hands reaching from behind the trembling door.
i jumped again to a different scene. this time i was running on a pedestrian walk with a boy. i think he looked like M but i remember his face kept changing. we carried duffel bags and at some point we dropped the bags and ran without them. but only after a few steps, we fell over on the pavement.
my friend pointed out to me a sign on the shop in front of us that said “scratch to model”, which meant if you wanted to work as a model you have to scratch several panels on the door, which looked like those things you need to scratch on your mobile phone vouchers. i remembered thinking i needed the money badly so i stood up and began scratching.
then we saw people searching our bags. i stopped scratching and we ran quickly to stop them. i saw my friend’s bag was already empty.
the next thing i knew i was either having sex or had just had sex with my boyfriend. as it is in all my dreams so far, sex is never graphic.
the full moon
tips of forest
when she falls
in the labyrinth
mist of lullabyes
*Ofelia is the central character in “Pan’s Labyrinth” (2006), played beautifully by Ivana Baquero. The film is written, produced and directed by Guillermo del Toro.