my typical morning

i wake up. i wake my daughter up. good morning sunshine. prepare breakfast. my husband gets up and occupies the bathroom. i read the news, or facebook timeline, and then realize i am already hooked and put down the phone. pick it up again, click on youtube, and look for bath songs. husband comes out of the bathroom, daughter goes in. take school uniform out from the dresser, put them on the bed. daughter splish splashes her way out of the bathroom and asks for her towel. she puts on her shirt while watching youtube. hurry up, it’ll take forever if you do it like that. i take the nice comb, found under the bed yesterday after it went missing for weeks, from the vanity and comb daughter’s dripping wet hair. remember, side part. woosh woosh. kiss mama goodbye. and they are out.

i take my probiotic with a glass of water. thoughts seeping into my head like a foul morning mist. i remember last night i woke up from a very weird dream, worrying i forgot to put the bread in the fridge, especially since i bought one with a rich cream filling. i turned on the flashlight, not wanting to stir my family’s sleep. and saw that all the bread was already safe in the fridge. i was the one who put them there. but the one with the cream filling was nowhere to be found. not even at the bottom of husband’s tote bag. i was so sure i took one in the bakery. but then i wasn’t so sure about what’s going on in my head anymore. and that made me sad and angry and scared all at the same time. i returned to bed, pondering whether i should go to the toilet or not and finally got up and went. i then slipped under the blanket, looking at my daughter’s round sleeping face.

i plop down on the bed and check facebook again despite knowing it would take so much of my time. but i have turned away from it for such a long time. maybe, just maybe, i can practice doing what’s normal again. just the right dose, you know. one social media at a time. it’s okay. and i like and comment on a few posts from my dearest friends. and then realize again that i have stayed there longer than planned. i immediately switch to my renungan harian. pray. have breakfast and my grey tablet. write for ten minutes. and cry for both every and no reason at all.

“ruangan ini ditutup & disegel”

we used to look outside
commenting on the many lives passing by our window at the corner
thinking we should at least have a bit of fun while we waste ours

though only secretly

and in our big little heads we wanted to believe
take pride even
in having total control of the process
we thought this wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t let it

and so we told stories
none of them ours
held on to the neverending,
hopefully like the night,
glasses of cheers
laughed sinister laughs
pleasant to our heartless ears

while inside
we had the suspicion this could actually be

love,

prayed hard for it,
then washed it down with
jokes
they brought tears to our hopeless eyes

then one night we held hands under the table

another we tried to look more drunk than we really were
(after you kissed me in the rest room)

and now we are looking in
at the dusts sitting in our chairs

(what would we say about us?)

and we walk
home

say

leaves are rustling with your hair when you look through the window, vines curl up your back telling you stories of dissipating days and dreams,

 
you wait for him to say
to say


           you wait

           for things
           not to happen

for a kiss that leads to no more
for hands to let go
for words to not be said
for teardrops to fall from the brink of her nose
for the night to end
for boredom and sleep
for every failure to rest and sink in

          and never be forgotten


you wait for them to stay
to stay.

first draft of this poem had been recited here