sipping dew

sipping dew in a wine glass.
looking at the lady in the glass window distilling last night’s rain drops.
there’s frost in the shadows of (my) thoughts.
but we’re in a hot country where sweat leaks from the folds of our flesh.
the sun rises and sets sooner than memories
of father, mother, all still children
raising children older than
their confused love

“ruangan ini ditutup & disegel”

we used to look outside
commenting on the many lives passing by our window at the corner
thinking we should at least have a bit of fun while we waste ours

though only secretly

and in our big little heads we wanted to believe
take pride even
in having total control of the process
we thought this wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t let it

and so we told stories
none of them ours
held on to the neverending,
hopefully like the night,
glasses of cheers
laughed sinister laughs
pleasant to our heartless ears

while inside
we had the suspicion this could actually be


prayed hard for it,
then washed it down with
they brought tears to our hopeless eyes

then one night we held hands under the table

another we tried to look more drunk than we really were
(after you kissed me in the rest room)

and now we are looking in
at the dusts sitting in our chairs

(what would we say about us?)

and we walk


leaves are rustling with your hair when you look through the window, vines curl up your back telling you stories of dissipating days and dreams,

you wait for him to say
to say

           you wait

           for things
           not to happen

for a kiss that leads to no more
for hands to let go
for words to not be said
for teardrops to fall from the brink of her nose
for the night to end
for boredom and sleep
for every failure to rest and sink in

          and never be forgotten

you wait for them to stay
to stay.

first draft of this poem had been recited here

Log #29

we – M, D and i – were reading poems to each other. each sounded like a masterpiece. and we were ecstatic.

i was having dinner with a few friends who didn’t exist in real life in a ground floor flat with a wide window looking to the garden. two of them were couples. the bell rang and the girl went to the door. the boy was suspicious. i now can’t remember whether the guest was male or female but it was somebody whom the boy felt jealous of.

i and another set of friends went to the graves of two deceased friends. but they were no gravesite. they were buried in a corner in an empty dilapidated house. we drew two rectangles with a colored chalk – one is taller than the other – and damaged the floor within. we did a short chant and a friend of mine even walked on what’s supposed to be the heads. in just a short while, we saw movements from below the earth. the dead woke up like they had only been sleeping. everyone let out a satisfied cheer.

Log #10

i was walking up this hilly road with my cousin when we passed a gate. the sign said “exit”, but strangely i couldn’t find another gate with the sign “entrance”. this “exit” gate was open and there was a moderate space for parking. beyond that, i saw a small winding road – i couldn’t see where the road is going but one thing for sure it is going downwards. trees and bushes were almost everywhere. it seemed like a proper walking and picnicking area for tourists.

my cousin was trying to tell me a story about the gate and the place behind it but i didn’t listen to her as i saw two of my high school friends inside. R was parking his car and [i-forgot-his-name] was standing and giving instructions. i was excited and R was all smiles but [i-forgot-his-name] had this serious and stern look on his face. i wanted to get in but they told me not to – R with a nice and friendly tone, [i-forgot-his-name] with a deadly one.

my cousin urged me to go on so i told the guys i would meet them again later. my cousin was still telling me the story about the gate and the place behind it – it was supposed to be a chilling one but i couldn’t make out the plot. it seemed as if she was babbling along although she knew i didn’t understand and she also knew that she wasn’t making any sense.

we entered a village – it was so much like collobrières but not as colorful. then, all of a sudden, we heard a commotion from behind us. something awful was happening. we ran back to where we came from, together with most of the villagers.

it was dark. the night had begun to settle in.

we heard piercing shrieks. they came from the behind the gate. there were several people there and all of them were attacked by some invisible entity.

my perspective then shifted into a bird’s-eye-view and shared that of the entity. it was like i was flying along with “it”.

“it” hovered above the village, as slowly and surely as the darkness of the night. lights started to lit up and the bright areas seem to be resistant to the dark. you know immediately that those are the areas where the thing’s power cannot cover.

each one of the villagers seems to be fully aware of the thing’s presence. they know when the thing is so close to their back and then they will walk into a bright spot.

i saw a child crying with horror, his face was staring at me and his eyes were full of fear. but right before the thing could get a grip on him, somebody pulled the child and brought him into light. he was saved.

then i saw an old man sweeping the road with a broomstick. i was getting closer to him but he didn’t bulge an inch. i was getting even closer and i began to feel afraid for him. exactly on the very last moment – i could see the back of his neck very clearly – he stepped into a circle of light on the ground. he turned his head and shot me a defiant look. i rocketed up into the dark sky with the thing.

my perspective changed again. i was back into the story and i was standing in front of an old building. it was built on top of a hill. it was a museum.

i ran into the building. it was pitch black inside. all i could see was the silhouettes of the museum’s collection. i knew the thing was behind me so i ran like hell.

i arrived at the very last room at the very end of the building. i opened the door and i found a bunch of people inside. they were obviously students, listening to their lecturer, who looked like a 30-something woman. one thing for sure, they weren’t from the village because they didn’t seem to realize the importance of having the room fully-lighted after dark.

the thing was still behind me.

i informed them of the danger as quickly as i could and demanded that they turn on the main light. one of the students did but to my dismay, it was a very old lamp. the lights were very dim and it only gave a small and shady circle on the floor.

i told everybody to gather in the circle. it barely fitted us all but it was better than nothing.

i remember one girl was still standing by the window, smoking. she was in the dark. i told her to move into the circle but she told me she didn’t believe that there was such a thing as the thing.

then her cigarette was taken from her fingers by something unseen and the window slammed shut. she ran into the circle and joined us immediately.

i don’t remember much details of what happened next. things happened very quickly and the thing was taunting us badly.
somehow, it let us see its face. it took a mirror and we saw.. a girl’s face.

i don’t know how and why, but she assured me that she wouldn’t hurt me. and this other guy. i don’t remember his face clearly but he was lean and taller than i am.

she asked me to tell everyone in the room to go to the yard outside.

there were a lot of students there. it then occurred to me that they were freshmen on an initiation trip with their seniors. the people who were with me in the room were some of the seniors.

she-thing wanted to play around with those freshers. funny, i could sense, or rather, see where she was in the dark. she let me warn the people and inform them of her position – but if anyone wasn’t quick enough to run from her, he or she would become her prey.

it was a deadly game.

cries filled the night air.

at last, she felt tired. she put her arms on my and the guy’s shoulderd and walked with us.

“let’s go.”

we were standing in front of a gate. there were still several freshers lingering around. tears and fear decorated their expression.

“i promise i won’t touch you later on if you let me have some more of those freshers without you warning them. now do you let me? remember, if you don’t, there’s no guarantee of your and his safety. plus, you can choose some other people to go with us in the car. they will be safe, too. but, you have to let me do it without you giving any warning.”

i said ok.

i heard some more screams and the freshers who lingered at the gate were crying hysterically.

we drove away.