my typical morning

i wake up. i wake my daughter up. good morning sunshine. prepare breakfast. my husband gets up and occupies the bathroom. i read the news, or facebook timeline, and then realize i am already hooked and put down the phone. pick it up again, click on youtube, and look for bath songs. husband comes out of the bathroom, daughter goes in. take school uniform out from the dresser, put them on the bed. daughter splish splashes her way out of the bathroom and asks for her towel. she puts on her shirt while watching youtube. hurry up, it’ll take forever if you do it like that. i take the nice comb, found under the bed yesterday after it went missing for weeks, from the vanity and comb daughter’s dripping wet hair. remember, side part. woosh woosh. kiss mama goodbye. and they are out.

i take my probiotic with a glass of water. thoughts seeping into my head like a foul morning mist. i remember last night i woke up from a very weird dream, worrying i forgot to put the bread in the fridge, especially since i bought one with a rich cream filling. i turned on the flashlight, not wanting to stir my family’s sleep. and saw that all the bread was already safe in the fridge. i was the one who put them there. but the one with the cream filling was nowhere to be found. not even at the bottom of husband’s tote bag. i was so sure i took one in the bakery. but then i wasn’t so sure about what’s going on in my head anymore. and that made me sad and angry and scared all at the same time. i returned to bed, pondering whether i should go to the toilet or not and finally got up and went. i then slipped under the blanket, looking at my daughter’s round sleeping face.

i plop down on the bed and check facebook again despite knowing it would take so much of my time. but i have turned away from it for such a long time. maybe, just maybe, i can practice doing what’s normal again. just the right dose, you know. one social media at a time. it’s okay. and i like and comment on a few posts from my dearest friends. and then realize again that i have stayed there longer than planned. i immediately switch to my renungan harian. pray. have breakfast and my grey tablet. write for ten minutes. and cry for both every and no reason at all.

Log #3

i was wounded and so was a girl friend of mine. she was shot at the back and i could see the bloody hole clearly. i didn’t know how bad my wound was, though, or how it actually looked.

luckily, we were already in a hospital’s front yard. a couple of paramedics came rushing out and ordered us to lie on our bellies on the stretchers. we had to hold on to the sides of the stretchers, like riding a bicycle. apparently, it wasn’t too much of a hassle for us for we could still talk and move normally despite the blood and all.

done with all the medical treatments, i went to a concert hall which was so huge its ceiling was actually the starry, out-of-spacey skies. to get to the upper stories, we had to climb a long stairs of meteorites. the length between each meteorites seemed further than the length of my steps and that scared the wits out of me. so i decided to sit downstairs. after all, those balcony-like meteor floors were kind of reserved for well-known local bands, like Sheila on 7 and Dewa (yeah, they were there alright!).

i sat in one of the front seats on the left wing together with my high school friends. sitting next to me was my ex-boyfriend. not long after that, my sociology teacher appeared on stage. it turned out we weren’t going to see a music concert, we were going to receive a lecture.