Author: violeteye

it was 18th july 2005.

there was a bug on my computer screen. it landed on the word “ambivalence”. was that some kind of a sign?

hm, i wondered.

i then turned to see the time, right at the moment when the long hand
moved from minute fifty-five to fifty-six. my clock was a soundless
type but i thought i heard a shriek when it turned. was it only in my
head?

hm, i wondered.

it was 17th july 2005.



i had figured out how much work i had to do and i was overwhelmed. i felt like i needed a vacation. ha. ha.

i then remembered samara’s song. only to find myself feeling even more miserable.

Here we go

The world is spinning

When
it stops, it’s just beginning

it was 16th july 2005, a day after my supervisor assigned me to submit
a 5000-word reading of one of the films i am working on my dissertation
in one week’s time.

he gave me his instructions in such a rigorous manner and infected me
with so much enthusiasm that i walked out of his room feeling
unbelievably fierce. [insert images of mel gibson from that braveheart
film] i felt like i could topple anything that comes my way. i felt
like i could crush anyone’s bones only with my bare hands.

but that didn’t last long.

the minute i got on the bus, i felt like there was something really
really wrong. 5000 words? 1 week? but i barely wrote 4000 words for my
previous essays and for those i was given 2 weeks!

by the time i got home, i was hopeless. i fukkin knew it – i was bloody
tricked! and right at that moment, i felt fiercely toppled and crushed
right to the bones.

so, it was 16th july 2005 and i got up from sleep feeling incredibly
exhausted i almost believed i needed another 8-hour sleep. after a few
minutes of mentally kicking my own arse, i finally dragged myself to
the kitchen and fixed some breakfast. i went back to my room and stared
at the computer. i stared and stared. seriously, i had never stared at
something for that long. i also remember shuddering at some point. i glanced at the
calendar and shuddered even more.

it was torture.

a half-smoked pack of cigarettes came into my view. it had the alice-in-wonderland-ish label LIT ME.

so i lit one. i felt a little better. i felt like i could finally grab that horrid book and start reading.

yes, it was 16th july 2005, the day the wave of stress hit the shores of my mind for the nth time.