Category: Thoughts

it was 18th july 2005.

there was a bug on my computer screen. it landed on the word “ambivalence”. was that some kind of a sign?

hm, i wondered.

i then turned to see the time, right at the moment when the long hand
moved from minute fifty-five to fifty-six. my clock was a soundless
type but i thought i heard a shriek when it turned. was it only in my
head?

hm, i wondered.

it was 17th july 2005.



i had figured out how much work i had to do and i was overwhelmed. i felt like i needed a vacation. ha. ha.

i then remembered samara’s song. only to find myself feeling even more miserable.

Here we go

The world is spinning

When
it stops, it’s just beginning

it was 16th july 2005, a day after my supervisor assigned me to submit
a 5000-word reading of one of the films i am working on my dissertation
in one week’s time.

he gave me his instructions in such a rigorous manner and infected me
with so much enthusiasm that i walked out of his room feeling
unbelievably fierce. [insert images of mel gibson from that braveheart
film] i felt like i could topple anything that comes my way. i felt
like i could crush anyone’s bones only with my bare hands.

but that didn’t last long.

the minute i got on the bus, i felt like there was something really
really wrong. 5000 words? 1 week? but i barely wrote 4000 words for my
previous essays and for those i was given 2 weeks!

by the time i got home, i was hopeless. i fukkin knew it – i was bloody
tricked! and right at that moment, i felt fiercely toppled and crushed
right to the bones.

so, it was 16th july 2005 and i got up from sleep feeling incredibly
exhausted i almost believed i needed another 8-hour sleep. after a few
minutes of mentally kicking my own arse, i finally dragged myself to
the kitchen and fixed some breakfast. i went back to my room and stared
at the computer. i stared and stared. seriously, i had never stared at
something for that long. i also remember shuddering at some point. i glanced at the
calendar and shuddered even more.

it was torture.

a half-smoked pack of cigarettes came into my view. it had the alice-in-wonderland-ish label LIT ME.

so i lit one. i felt a little better. i felt like i could finally grab that horrid book and start reading.

yes, it was 16th july 2005, the day the wave of stress hit the shores of my mind for the nth time.

catherine, my flatmate, asked me to go bowling last sunday. i’ve never
bowled before but, hey, there’s always a first time for everything.
besides, a new form of fun wouldn’t hurt when you’re feeling a wee bit
pressurized by your dissertation. so, off we went to the arena.

i was giddy at first. well, i know myself quite well and i know i
really suck at sports, especially ones dealing with balls. and i hate
it when i know i would look stupid doing something i’ve never done
before.

but, i finally took those little steps and let go of the ball.

it glided off..

..and hit one pin.

hahah!!!

it was only after a few turns that i began to get the hang of it. in fact, i
actually enjoyed the game. okay, my ball often went sideways but, really,
sometimes it was good laughing at yourself.

then, on the second game, a miracle happened – i succeeded in hitting
all the pins on one go! mark this, people – exactly at 5 pm on the 26th of june 2005, i did
my very first STRIKE! woo-hoo!!!

the game ended with me trailing behind catherine by 2 points. 2 points! not bad for a beginner, eh?

i went to the hairdresser with my almost waist-length hair and asked to
have it cut. “i want a short crop,” i told the stylist and her eyes
went wide.

“are you sure?”

“yes.”

then she gathered my hair at the back of neck. “but this is a whole ponytail you want to get rid of. are you really sure?”

“yes.”

i actually wanted a crop with lots of choppy layers but my stylist
seemed to be a little blown away by the fact that she was responsible
to cut so much of my hair. she recommended a bob style instead, which
is, of course, less risky. i had to say yes – i didn’t want to force
her to do something that she’s not comfortable with.

well, although it wasn’t something that i had in mind, i’m quite happy
with the haircut. i’ve finally put an end to the almost-four-year
period of long hair, which was the first time ever in my whole life
that i grew my hair longer than my shoulders, and relive the good ol
days.

besides, i really didn’t feel like going on a holiday with those long
tresses of mine. so, when i walked out of the hairdresser, i was in
such a zesty mood – just the perfect feeling to have on a day before
you are to leave your wee town with its now-windy-now-rainy weather,
expecting sunnier days in cities you’ve never been to!