my writings and other illusions
my journal, notes, clippings and random scribbles. you know, those things one would usually find in a notebook.
akhirnya, tugas terakhir terkumpul juga! HURRRAAAHH!
nomoreessays nomorefrettingoveressaytopics
nomorestaringblanklyatthemonitor nomorelatenights
nomoreconsecutivecupsofcaffeine nooomoreeeee…
yah, paling nggak untuk kurang lebih sebulan ke depan, deh, karena setelah itu harus mulai ngerjain disertasi dan..
staringblanklyatthemonitoragain latenightsagain consecutivecupsofcaffeineagain
[melirik ke tumpukan buku di sebelah]
ugh!
stoppit, anya, stoppit!!!
total volume of music on my computer:
17.5 GB
the last CD i bought was:
hopes and fears – keane
song playing right now:
ivo – cocteau twins
five songs i listen to a lot, or means a lot to me:
[jeez.. this is so hard!]
five people whom i’m passing the baton:
relieved!
well, the first three weeks of may saw me in a distressed state. having
encountered some letdowns at the end of april, i was barely able to
endure the gruelling process of essay writing plus the pressure from my
supervisor to work on my dissertation proposal and presentation. i may
sound like a crybaby but i’m not one of those lucky people who are just
blessed with the ability to be multi-tasking and excel in every single
thing they do. apparently, i am a part of the larger crowd – those who
just have to strive to make it to the top. not even to the very top –
but at least high enough to be considered as able to finish what they
started. and i have to be content with it. ha! ha!
now that’s why i feel so ecstatic to have passed those difficult times.
i still haven’t got the result of my essay and i still have one more
essay to do but i’m feeling a lot lighter at the moment. i think the
presentation actually did me some good as to my surprise, it went
very well!
to tell you the truth, i was a complete wreck the day before the
presentation. i woke up in the morning feeling like a bag of nerves. i
couldn’t control my heartbeat. i was none other than stress on feet!
when i found out that quite a lot of people – lecturers and phd
students – showed up, i was devastated. i was praying all along
that nobody would give me complex questions.
since my turn was right after the coffee break, i didn’t have the
luxury to actually enjoy that break. i was counting the minutes and
when i saw people started to fill the room again, i felt like all the
horror i’ve studied so far came back and materialized itself in the
form of those walking, chatting human beings with cups of coffee in
their hands. [i can even feel my heart beating faster as i write this!]
before i knew it, i was already there sitting before them. it was an
out-of-body experience, really. i couldn’t recall much of it despite
the thumping thumping in my chest and the tumult in my head. and all
those stuff about jelangkung and tusuk
jelangkung just glided off my mouth. and, oh, i remembered i
nearly cried at one point. and i also felt my mouth became very dry.
ian, my classmate, and tina told me afterward that i actually looked
confident and after i finished reading my paper, my composure was like:
“c’mon give me those goddamn questions right away!” i just doubled up
and laughed – i guess, my unbelievable nervousness infused into me some
attitude that i wouldn’t normally have! 
at the end of the presentation, one of the lecturers came up to me and
expressed her interest in my topic. she even wanted me to send her a
copy of my dissertation later! at the end-of-semester drinks at a
nearby pub, my head of department – whose essay on nationalism was
closely linked to my dissertation – told me that he approved the topic. he was
actually one of the main reasons why i was dead nervous about the whole
thing. and having him to show some support was like.. wow!
my supervisor was undoubtedly the happiest man that day. he told me he
received some nice comments from his colleagues. he congratulated me
and told me to have a wee rest before we meet again.. NEXT WEEK!
hahah.. i suspected that he is more in to this than i am…
that evening, my friends and i lingered at the pub until very late. all
our lecturers had left but we were still glued onto our chairs and
drank away. somebody kept putting pints after pints in front of me,
without me even realizing it. then as it was getting darker, tina came
back from the bar with shots of sambuca. whoa, everybody seemed to be
really in the mood to celebrate!
well, i hope i don’t sound like a self-centered bitch. if i do, i’m
sorry. it’s just that i’m so happy things are getting clearer now – i’m
only this close to completing my studies and i feel somewhat recharged
now.
*a big grin on my face*
i’m
so tired of writing this essay i can’t seem to come up with decent
sentences and it’s due tomorrow afternoon at five and
right now i just want to scream out loud for the world to hear that I
AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH ALL THIS SHITE!!!
now
i’m just going to make myself a nice cup of tea, have some smokes,
listen to the dears, turn the volume up and despair…
after
thrashing myself out all weekend on my essay (which was due yesterday
afternoon) and still suffering from it, i had to wake up this morning
for my 10 o’clock class. i was still half asleep when i ate breakfast,
i was half awake when i got myself dressed, i was not full awake when i walked out of the house – but as soon as i was out there, the chill from the wind zapped me into the day.
met some friends at the bus stop. it was good – made the waiting for
the bus bearable. because as usual, the bus was late. text ian to tell
him i was probably going to be late – it was some seven or six to ten!
but the minute after i sent the message, the bus came. haha…
climbed the stairs up to pathfoot building as quickly as i could. and,
of course, i was panting afterwards. so pant pant pant i walked to
where my class is – i could see tina and ian standing in front of the
door. phew.. i wasn’t late after all then! but, guess what? when i
finally pant pant pant joined them, they told me that james – our
lecturer – had forgotten the meeting and thought that it was for
tomorrow. and pant pant pant i just broke down to laughter. james was
walking from his room to the photocopying room – obviously trying his
best to compile and duplicate the handouts on the last minute. last
week, he was to lecture us for another class and he thought it wouldn’t
start until an hour after it was supposed to be held. he’s a very nice
guy but he’s just one of those people who can’t even remember where
they’ve put their heads, i guess. bless him!
after class, ian and i stopped by at the office to collect our essays.
he got A- and i got.. C+!!! hahah.. my very first C+!!! it’s not the
best thing to happen but, at least, i’ve known all along that it would
happen. i was totally zonked at that time and distracted and desperate
and in that kind of condition, that essay was the best thing i could
come up with. so, i deserved it. i even thought it’d be a lot worse.
yeah, of course, i still kicked myself in the butt – but i know i’ll do
better next time. which, is due on the 9th of may!!! aarrgghhh!!!
anyways, when we got out of the building, it was raining! and i had to
return some books to the library. so, we walked in the rain. hahah..
when i was locking myself in my room last weekend, it was sunny and
bright outside. now, when i was finally out there, it was raining! i
really couldn’t believe my luck!
but, that’s not all.
i decided to get the bus back. it came only a little past the scheduled
time, i managed to get on it (some time back, the bus only wheeled over
and didn’t even care to stop), BUT.. when i handed my 5-pound note, the
driver told me that kind of note had expired long ago. WHAT?! so, yeah,
i couldn’t take the bus since that was the only 5 pounds i have in my
wallet. sad, huh? well, yes, i could withdraw money from the cash
machine but that means, i would have to wait again for the next bus.
i’d better accepted my fate and walk on home…
but, that’s still not all.
after a nice meal of pasta with bolognese sauce (cooked, not microwaved!), i received a message from agus,
telling me that his request to do his dissertation in stirling had been
rejected. boo-hoo-hoo… isn’t that just the news you’d like to hear on
a day like this?!
well, today had been quite horrendous, alright. the funny thing is,
though,
i’m feeling fine right now. so i’ve had a few downers. but i’m still
hanging. it might be a C but there’s still that ‘plus’ sign trailing on
its back. it can’t be that bad, can it?
7lc, 26 april 2005